It’s week 6 of this lock down, but the days I’ve been counting more zealously were those at “Home” with Adriene. I had started her 30-day yoga journey on March 21st, a week after the announcement of the community quarantine. I was hooked from day 1, and looked forward to waking each day just to practice. Every day had a special intention, and I was always pleasantly surprised at how they were exactly what I needed in those moments. There was a weekend when I put off Adriene‘s class to attend some live sessions by Global Mala Manila‘s Yoga Festival; and even that choice allowed me to align my days with Celine, who had recommended her channel to me.
Today was day 30. I stepped on the mat, played the video, and started focusing on my breath while listening to Adriene‘s intro. With no preamble that today was going to be different, she slowly said she was going off-mic today, and I instantly choked up and started to cry. I was overwhelmed by a whirl of emotions, from sadness that it was ending, to panic because I didn’t feel ready to be on my own. With tears streaming down my cheeks, I tried to keep my eyes glued to the screen, still wanting to follow what she was doing. But from hearing her voice for a month, her usual catchphrases played in my mind: “go at your own pace” and “listen to your body.”
Then without a conscious decision, and only realizing it moments later, I was doing my own flow. Whether it was releasing tensions that I could sense when I scanned from head to toe, or wanting to explore a pose further, somehow I just knew what to do and where to take my body. And that awareness induced another surge of fresh tears, because that’s big for me. I tend to just follow others, not trusting that I can do things on my own. And I find it so hard to give myself credit. And I’m so hard on myself in general.
I guess part of why I became so attached to this practice was because I could feel myself growing in so many subtle ways (like even the act of acknowledging my growth, is growth). So, even if I knew it would end on the 30th day, I didn’t want to let go. But isn’t that precisely what I’m being taught to do? To take in all the love in every inhale, and let go of all of it at every exhale as well? With so many changes that this virus has inflicted upon my life, me-from-a-month-ago would’ve been tormented by my overly complicated feelings, but this deepening practice of letting go has been a balm in these troubled times.
As time trickled away, and I reached the end of my very first personal practice, Adriene ended with this quote (which got be bawling again).
I don’t have a big message, I just wanted to remember this day in my long Journey Home. If yoga is an awakening, then I’m beginning to open my eyes.